If you're seeing this (which you are) it's because we're doing a little behind-the-scenes work. Don't cry. We're planning to be back to normal just a few hours. In the meantime, why not use all this free time to finally determine what kind of Wooter you are?
What Kind Of Wooter Am I?
- Which of these sentences best describes what goes through your head each midnight Central when you look at the deal on Woot's front page?
- I could see the shadow stop just outside the door of my office. It was an opportunity, all right, that was as clear as the empty whiskey bottle on top of my heater. But opportunities come and go in a life like mine. One day life was fast as a sports car and the next it was slow as a piano ballad at the jazz club down the street. So far this week, life had been slow. But one knock was about to change all that.
- High above the Earth, I felt the sun against my bulletproof skin. My eyes closed, my super-senses attuned to the sounds of my adopted city below. The racing of the cars along the freeway, the heartbeats of the children on the way to school, and the growl of machines struggling for the greater good... and, in one particular case, evil.
- I know in my heart Woot loves me... but I can't help but worry... when I see what the deal is and I know... they could do so much better than me... and maybe it's for the best... because, could any website ever love... SOMEONE WHO USES TOO MANY ELLIPSES????
- As the hatch to The Hoverboar opened, I chuckled to my robot companion. "Surely the liberation of Asteroid D won't be as hard as defeating Senator Laddarzod, eh, 7K4?" 7K4 spoke no Interlang, but his beeps made it clear he was thinking the same thing. What a team we made, me with my laser axe and he with his limited range and outrageously slow top speed!
- When browsing Deals.Woot, what determines your voting strategy?
- Of course, I take care of me. So I had one hand on my gat as the door opened. "Hello? Is anyone here?" I didn't say a word, just hit the light. The man in blue threw up a hand to cover his eyes. If he'd been carrying heat, I woulda had the drop on him. Good thing for him he wasn't.
- I always put others first. It's the principle I was raised to uphold, ever since my space probe first crashed in Oklahoma all those years ago. The kindly couple who ran the catfish hatchery raised me to look out for others. And since I left them and moved to Tulsa, I've guarded the citizens like they were family.
- I always am harshest on myself, of course... but not because I think I'm bad... just because I hope Woot notices me... notices how long I've loved them... how I've always been there... maybe just compliments my hair or my clothes... but I know there's no use... in my heart, I know that Woot will choose some other customer... who DOESN'T USE TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!
- Naturally, I didn't vote with my ballot... I voted with my FISTS! And that's why the good Senator had been given two tickets to the impeachment show, and why I was on Asteroid D, looking to find the last of his political appointments. A man named Assistant To The Treasurer Domingo Heat.
- When buying wine from Wine.Woot, what's most important? Price or quality?
- What he was carrying was cash. A nice, thick envelope full. I pocketed my thunder and nodded him to the sofa. "Okay, puppy dog," I sneered. "You've got my attention. Where's the mince pie you want me to slice?" But the man in blue just stared at me. It was clear he'd never done this before, he just couldn't Lindy Hop my lingo streetcar.
- Quality of life was high, thanks to me. People were happy, no one was afraid. But the Tulsa powers-that-be, they didn't like that. Especially not Tom Toothberg, the millionaire scientist who ran Oklahoma with an iron fist. A literal iron fist too. He was half-cyborg, on his mother's side. And it was that fist I heard clenching and unclenching even now.
- It's not about having the finest or most expensive... not when it's true love... not when its destiny... but maybe, sometimes, destiny loses its way... maybe the person meant to be happy doesn't get to be happy... and all because that person suffers the curse... OF USING TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- Price and quality are equally important. That's how I view the world. So when someone pays me and 7K4 to clean up an administration in order to ensure the completion of a long-standing trade agreement, that's what we do. Even if it takes several weeks of tedious debate about the subtle nature of balanced percentages across multiple instances of bookkeeping. That's just what heroes do!
- How many times a week do you wear a shirt from Shirt.Woot?
- "Once or twice." That was his answer when I asked him how many times he'd suspected her. His voice sounded hollow and sad, like a cat trapped in a port-a-john. I would have offered him some of the whiskey, but it'd been empty for days. And without this case, it would probably stay that way for a few days more.
- Three or four times I heard the clanking noise, and then the screams. "Won't someone save me?? Preferably someone with super-human powers who listens to what I'm doing most of the time?" Ah, that Toni Terry. The ace food critic for the Tulsa Sentinel. An unstoppable dreamer with a heart of gold. Not many people could afford such a classy pacemaker. I shifted a bit, and started my descent.
- Nearly every day, I look out of the window and dream... I try to spell my last name "-Woot" and "Woot-" in turn... sometimes I wrap my arms around a wool sweater and squint, so the letter L looks a bit more like a T, and then I pretend it's you, Woot, you there in my arms... but I know it can never be... you could never love... SOMEONE WHO USES TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- Never a shirt covered my powerful frame. My chest, covered with scars from those who dare stood against me as I explained the propensity of galactic citizens to create commodities which, by their very nature, can then be hedged against in an attempt to corner the market and seize control of the political machine from which a true dictatorship can only be born. For example, imagine if I had a bushel of wheat on Altair 9 and a bushel of corn on Gemini 27. Say, do you need a hyper-pencil for this? You might want to take some notes.
- Do you buy from Kids.Woot for your kids, or for the kids of others?
- "No kids." he said. "Nothing to keep us together. Heck, I'd even let her leave today. All I need is that green bag full of documents." That made it easier for me. Because the odds were like a fat man in a crowded subway car: always against you. And these odds weren't getting out at the museum two stops from now. These odds were going all the way to the end of the line.
- "For my children!" Toni Terry said as she glared down Toothberg's nose-mounted force beam cannon. "I beg you, for my children, please don't fire!" Toothberg sneered, but turned up his nose as he did so. "You've served your purpose anyway. Go on! Go! Leave the bank! Leave me to my battle!" It was clear he was ready and waiting for me to arrive.
- For others is how I live... and yet, when can I start to live... for myself? Perhaps never, sweet Woot... although I will always be beside you... ever just out of sight... just down the lane... hidden from everyone to whom I dare not show my heart... even hidden from you, perhaps... so that you never have to associate with someone... WHO USES FAR TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- "I buy for no man!" shouted Assistant To The Treasurer Domingo Heat on the microfiche video report to the stockholders that I had procured after some negotiation with the archivist on the Library Planet. It would be hard to bring down such a man with mere laser axes. Perhaps... a heated debate about the philosophy of macroeconomics?
- Sport.Woot. Should it focus on the traditional sports like golf and baseball, or go into the newer stuff like disc golf and dirt bikes?
- My partner always teased me about being a traditionalist. That having been said, I was here... and he wasn't. I kept that in mind when I went down to the Hall of Records to do a little snooping. Sometimes there was no point. Other times, it paid off like a slot machine with a broken change box.
- A new strategy never hurt anyone. This time, instead of smashing through the wall, I landed out back and used my special see-thru vision to do a little recon. Sure enough, Toothberg had planned my frontal attack by lining the wall with incredimonium, the one element that destroyed my super powers! There was no way I could take him directly. To catch him off guard, I'd have to do something unexpected.
- I don't enjoy sports... or television... or reading... or anything, really... all I do is sit and look at my internet browser... hoping that today is the day I see my name on the front page... or even on one of the other pages... even though I know deep down, there's never going to be a place in your life... FOR ANYONE WHO USES TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- Of course! Sports! And not just new or old, but ALL sports! For what mighty space hero with a robot sidekick doesn't live for number-crunching and statistics! It would be through an examination of the percentages of the 1936 World Series that his Achilles heel would be uncovered! Not through swordplay or space combat!
- Did you know that Woot Tools & Garden also includes automotive stuff as well? Of those three options, which is your favorite category?
- I was always a car fan, so I could pick out the black sedan before it even finished turning the corner. But the dame in the driver's seat, she sure wasn't the owner. And maybe it didn't mean anything that she was taking a green bag out of the trunk. Then again, maybe it did. Then again, maybe it didn't. Then again... maybe it did.
- Maybe it was the catfish farmer in me, but I'd never met a garden I didn't like. The garden just behind the bank was no exception. It led to a back door. I used my power of incredibly quiet door opening to enter the building without a sound.
- Tools are what I use to build the sculptures to your glory... since websites are basically just rectangular, they wind up looking like picture frames, which is great... I can hang them all over my house... and dream of the day someone might love... A PERSON WHO USES TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!
- And so, instead of going outside and attacking the problem directly, as some heroes might, I chose to gather up receipts and present my case to the Treasurer himself, Damian Anger. Quickly over the next seven weeks, Domingo Heat was moved into a position of weakness, and at last, on the eighth month of my mission, I was able to file for a permit to begin an inquest into the assembly of a council to consider the petition for the discussion of a warrant to gather evidence.
- Which room of your house would benefit the most from a nice pile of Home.Woot deals?
- The living room was nice enough. Through the window I could see the green bag over on a chair. It was now or never. I put on my best smile, straightened my lapels, and reached to knock on the door. And that's when it hit me.
- The bathroom was to the left. I could hear the sound of angry grunts. "Stupid indestructible battlesuit!" Toothberg was mumbling to himself "Why didn't I add a zipper?" I hovered in close behind him and crossed my arms. "What's the matter, Toothberg? Didn't want to get caught with your pants down?"
- My dining room is where I eat dinner... alone... oh, sure, I have friends who say things like "Why don't you buy a grammar book and just learn how ellipses work" but they don't get me... they don't understand... not like you would, Woot... if only... if only... BUT NO, THE ELLIPSES!!!!!!
- In the den I waited, absent-mindedly turning my laser axe on and off. Once the grand jury of space had finished their deliberation, we could proceed to trial, where, after 7K4 had methodically proven our case, we would be allowed to begin gathering evidence to start an extradition hearing against the dread Domingo Heat. At this time next year, if all went well, Heat would be nearly completely in our hands, give or take a few appeals.
- Which of the products we tend to sell on our Woot Accessories & Watches site would you consider as your favorite?
- "It" being the perfume which fell from the upstairs window, hitting me on the top of my head. I stumbled back in a daze. A soft voice said "Are you all right?" Another voice said "Hey, he's more than all right! He's a private eye!" A third voice said "I got his wallet!" And then, all went black.
- "I'll belt you, you incredible fop!" Toothberg spun quickly, powering up his nose-mounted force beam cannon, preparing to unleash a fatal sneeze. But I moved faster, grabbing a mirrored handkerchief and shoving it in the way of the irradiated expectorate in the nick of time. The recoil sent Toothberg flying backwards... into a specially-prepared jail cell truck!
- Bags... under my eyes... from staying up all night writing poems about you, Woot... if only you were here so I could read them too you... but there's no chance for someone like me... someone with such a terrible, hideous flaw... a flaw that I previously mentioned... but just in case you missed it... I'll recap with a summary... I USE TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- Watches. We stared at them, noting the passing of every second in a ledger. For today was the day that Domingo Heat would be taken forth from the courtroom and placed aboard The Hoverboar. And it was then, at the last possible second, that Heat made a break for it! I fired up my laser axe. At last! Adventure!
- Laptop or Desktop: which would be your first choice for a Computers.Woot purchase?
- "I'd love a laptop," I could hear the doctor saying from the other room. I reached for my head, something caught my arm. Handcuffs? Handcuffs. Clearly, I was in as much trouble as Pop-O-Matic Bubble in a popular 1970s board game. Out in the hall, I could see the dame showing the green bag to the two cops guarding my door. One was shaking his head sadly. Ah, well. Maybe I'd been a P.I too long anyway.
- "As soon as I get near a desktop, I'll compute my way free! That's right! You haven't seen the last of me!" Toothberg shouted as they dragged him away. "Do you think he means it?" asked Toni Terry. I just shrugged. "Probably, Toni. But then again... you haven't seen the last of me either!" Toni laughed and snuggled close to my arm. And me? I winked in a random direction. Not really sure why I do that. Maybe I should check with a doctor and see if that's serious.
- I don't care about computers, Woot... don't think twice about me... I'm just... wait... is that a ring? Do you... do you really love me? Why, darling! This is the greatest day... the greatest forever... of my life! Maybe together we can prove that love... is eternal... LIKE TOO MANY ELLIPSES!!!!
- With a ship full of both laptops and desktops, our two ships, locked in combat, crashed onto the dreaded volcano planet, Heat screamed my name. I screamed his back. We charged. The battle was violent, dramatic, impressive, and strangely quick. Guess we spent too much time talking about the boring stuff. Ah, well. At least the hero won in the end, eh?