"I hate food, I hate doing food. I will bribe someone to do food."
"Oh, go ahead and touch it. You've already touched everything else..."
"The only thing healthy I'm drinking is beer."
"Oh, this place is making me want a drink. I'm going to start bringing a flask to work."
"Linda, can I kill Dustin?"
after bumping and knocking over a floor fan in the classroom: "I was attacked by the fan!!"
Student response heard in the background "Ms M; you have no fans!"
In the lunch room:
"Mrs. -- gave me sticky buns."
"I shower to avoid that."
"How come nobody told me I had this new mole on my face?"
"I can whip it out real quick if you need me to."
"He threw up on my floor."
"Here, pick this up and feel this. How do you feel about handling something of this size?"