"I hate food, I hate doing food. I will bribe someone to do food."
"Oh, go ahead and touch it. You've already touched everything else..."
"The only thing healthy I'm drinking is beer."
"Oh, this place is making me want a drink. I'm going to start bringing a flask to work."
"Linda, can I kill Dustin?"
after bumping and knocking over a floor fan in the classroom: "I was attacked by the fan!!"
Student response heard in the background "Ms M; you have no fans!"
In the lunch room:
"Mrs. -- gave me sticky buns."
"I shower to avoid that."
"How come nobody told me I had this new mole on my face?"
"I can whip it out real quick if you need me to."
"He threw up on my floor."
"Here, pick this up and feel this. How do you feel about handling something of this size?"
"Do you want to borrow my ruler so you can scratch yourself?"
"Are you married? You aren't wearing a ring!"
"I am going to have to start smoking."
"Is your ex-wife going to be there? Can I say 'hi' to her to break the ice?"
"My mama said to me, 'you're stupid,' and I took her to Chipotle! I could have taken her somewhere else if she was going to say that..."
"Unlike you, I have to go back into that hellhole in ten minutes..."
"I don't know why my thing is green."
"I don't know, either, but I like it."
"What does 'overly rigid' mean?"
"Oh, you're right. Switzerland is its own country."
"He asked if he had found it, I said 'That's my leg.'"
"I'd rather smell like Mocha instead of freaking nut!"
"Well, if we're going to play it that way, I'll knock you across the ring with my butt!"
"Keebler done changed their crackers."
"WHO SLEPT WITH TIM??"
"I smelled that and thought, wow, it sure would be delicious to grab a big handful of that right now."
"My tip's way bigger than that!"
"I wonder how hard it is to push that?"
"Look at your belly! It's so cute!"
"They didn't talk about nut tapping last year..."
"You want some organic candy corn? It's homemade from Portland!"
"Come over here and feel this. It's soft and mushy!"
Ducks, Deer, and Sex Ed.
"By develope a relationship she means, after the bar closed at 10:30 she rode with them to Massachusetts for all you can eat wings and beers."
"I am not exhibiting soft bigotry."
"If I drink any more, I'm going to be bouncing off the overhead, if I'm not already bouncing off the overhead."
"I knew it wouldn't be a formal interview as soon as you said "KtC" was coming. When she's around it's usually for a good time."