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Gears of War: Ultimate Edition has a few plot points that were thankfully left out at the last minute...

- former COG soldier Marcus Fenix is reinstated into the military after spending four years as a checkout clerk at Target

- Marcus had attempted to save his father, Dr. Stoobin Fenix, from a sentient, human-eating desk

- Delta Squad, which Marcus joins, seeks to obtain the "resonator", a device that will make a person's voice sound "trippy as balls"

- the Locust Horde inhabit an underground bunker known as "Fun Zone"

- Delta Squad wants to destroy the heart of the Locust forces inside Fun Zone by deploying a mass paternity suit

- Fenix suffer multiple casualties in the course of their mission, including Janet Walrus-Dorfenduc, Steve "Steve" Stevesteve, and squad leader Wrrx, whose name no one in the squad knew how to pronounce

- Fenix leads the remaining soldiers through the ruins of Antarctica Disney to claim a Hummer limo and drive it into the planet's core

- turns out the whole thing was a dream and the game becomes an extended ad for hair gel

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